Thursday, July 9, 2015

Glutton, Glutton, Glutton....

Definition of GLUTTON:

a :  one given habitually to greedy and voracious eating and drinking
b :  one that has a great capacity for accepting or enduring something <a glutton for punishment>

Let's choose option (b) for me. I am a glutton for punishment, I admit it.  I must really enjoy it, otherwise, I would stop doing these things that I do.

As I've mentioned before, I'm craft-challenged.  You've seen it, I've seen it and there is no denying it.  Let's say it together, rrrreeeeaaaalllll slow (because I'm southern)....B-e-n-i-t-a  i-s  c-r-a-f-t  c-h-a-l-l-e-n-g-e-d.  When the cashiers in Hobby Lobby or Michael's see me in line with anything in my hands that might resemble a craft project, they should take the items away from me and ask me to slowly back away from the counter, or better yet, have me escorted out of the building by security.  This would really work out better for us all.

This project is being posted for two reasons: 1)  I like to be a horrible example or a good warning (take your pick) for others like me and to let them know I've set up a support group; and 2) I promised my friend Donna a laugh this week.

I will start with a photo of the finished product in it's final resting place.


I was going to sling it into the creek behind our house, but I didn't want to poison the ducks who occasionally swim there.  However, an errant ant or two were slaughtered as I stomped around the driveway during my temper tantrum.  It couldn't be helped.

Fortunately, I do realize my first and biggest mistake with this project:  I did not consult a professional.  I should have dragged the 4-year-old next door over to my house and laid this project in front of him.  If he said "it's too hard", that would have been the sign for me to walk away.  I totally lost my head and forgot my KDS (Kindergarten Difficulty Scale) rule.  And WHY would I think that I could make a Porch Subway Sign when I can't even stuff a pillow! (I wanted to put 700 exclamation points here, but I didn't want to traumatize you any more than I already have.) I was completely delusional!

For some reason, I felt I could outwit the stencil ogre and outline the letters and paint them in instead of trying to line them up and paint on the stencil.  What an epic failure that was!


And then, I ventured into uncharted territory by buying some small 'adhesive' stencils, thinking that they wouldn't move around and paint wouldn't seep underneath the letters...sheesh what a mess. 


After the paint dried, I removed the adhesive stencils.  That sticky-back crap left a mess on the painted wood.  The stencil residue is what the little black blobs are all over the sign (in the first photo -- these blobs above are my attempt at painting with a stencil)...it smeared when I started sanding the letters (yes the paint was dry) and then when I tried to sand the residue off, the sanding block grit stuck to it...I almost bit the sanding block in half!  And don't even get me started with my first attempt at using wax!  It looked like a Newton Monroe paint job!


As you can see by the first photo, my outlining and painting skills are severely lacking.  I was so unnerved by this project, I had to eat some chips and dip to calm myself down.


If anyone asks, at least until the trash man picks it up on Monday, I'm going to tell everyone the 4-year-old next door made it for me!





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30 comments

  1. Wow, Benita, you are making this stuff up, aren't you? That sad subway art sitting by the trash can is a picture worth a thousand laughs. You may have legal redress in a lawsuit against the kindergarten you attended. I guess I need to assemble some basic stencil ideas for practice. I am terribly sorry, but I must admit to laughing until I fell off my chair. What you have done to the whole subway art movement is a crime against craft.

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    1. See, I told you it was horrible! I have issues…severe crafting issues. I will just pay people to do these things for me in the future. I am giving up!! LOL I'm so glad I can laugh at myself...and my horrible craft projects!!

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  2. Oh my! I feel your pain! You could salvage the board and paint over it for something else, but that is just my thrifty, I-don't-throw-anything-away side talking! You probably don't want it around as a painful reminder of a gone wrong project. My worse case scenario is when I make something and I think it looks great and I try to sell it and it sits there collecting dust. I am not cut out to be a crafter either!! Is that frosting that you are dipping your blue corn chips in????

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    1. I told the hubby I would try to paint over it. I would rather have a plain piece of wood with nothing on it than this mess I've made. I just cannot do these things. It is not in my nature, no matter how hard I try. And yes ma'am, that is frosting....LOL. I needed something stronger than chocolate! :-) If I were a drinker, his Maker's Mark would have been in jeopardy! LOL

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  3. You crack me up and this made me smile this morning! It is a bummer you are craft challenged and I wish you lived near me and then we could do things together and you could make me laugh and teach me your recipes!

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    1. Darrielle, with flops like this, all I can do is laugh! I wish that we lived closer also...you could definitely teach me a thing or two (or 12) because your projects are gorgeous! And I could teach you some southern recipes! :-) Have a great day!

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  4. lol, brilliant. must be nice to do something with your hands tho. I don't even remember when I did that last...

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    1. Petra, thank you! :-) But if you decide to do any projects, please don't follow my instructions. Go to Donna or Darrielle...they can help you!

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  5. I'll make a deal with you, Benita: Show me you can (and have the patience to) read the directions on a 50¢ set of stencils, and I'll buy you a Cricut for these projects. But I'll warn you, they probably have an entire BOOKLET of instructions!

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    1. I will let you read the instructions and interpret for me! :-)

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  6. Hahaha, I'm laughing with you not at you. Wait, you weren't laughing . Ok, the whole story was funny.My house is like a craft shop , I could teach you how to paint, stencil, arrange flower's. Not that I'm that good , but it would be fun trying !! Your gift is your photography, stick to that maybe ...... Just kidding , you'll never learn if you don't spread your wing's and try !!!! Big Hug's, TT

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    1. It’s okay, we’ve been laughing…a lot!! I definitely need some instruction on this stuff…maybe I can just tour the US, hitting the cities where I know you ladies who do wonderful crafting projects live and let y’all tutor me!  My gift is photography and I think that is where I need to stay. This branching out is clearly not working for me…LOL! Big hugs back at ya!!

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  7. I'm sorry, Benita, but you had me giggling with you! I'd just prime it and start over! Yesterday, my youngest daughter is painting,( she's 9), and on two different web sites, I saw what was considered 'gallery art', and I thought to myself, my daughter's a genius I should be selling her masterpieces! Thank you for the smiles. I'm with you, we should start a support group for the craft challenged! =) hugs, Christine
    BTW- for the house rules, they are really cool!

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    1. No need to apologize…we’ve been laughing the entire time…LOL And you are right, you should be selling it!! I am going to paint over it and try again. I learned a few things with this project, so maybe the next one won’t be so bad…LOL. I definitely need a support group…my ego needs it! LOL The rules are the only good part of this project! :-) Thanks so much! Hugs!!!

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  8. You may not be a crafty girl, but you're a very funny girl. These stories are ridiculous and worth every penny spent at Michael's, I'm glad they don't turn you away. I'm ready to send you a gift card so I can make sure these tales keep on coming! ;)

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    1. Yep, crafting is NOT my thing, at all!!! The stories are the only good things that come out of all of my failures....you cannot make this stuff up!! :-) I've not totally given up. I am going to paint over and try again, so I will either have a nice subway sign or another great story to share! LOL

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  9. LOL - you are so funny. I totally agree with Kim.
    I love it. :-)
    Carla

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    1. Thank you Carla! I'm going to give it another go and see what happens. I told Kim it will either be a good project or another great story to share! LOL

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  10. Cracked me up!! This is why I am always hesitant to try craft projects. I have a "don't want it to look like crap" level of worry. ;)

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    1. Mine always look like crap....so I stopped worrying about it....LOL. If I ever hit on a good project, I post it everywhere...LOL!

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  11. Here's the deal....
    I will read the instructions and translate for you....just so you can get the Cricut!!!!
    That's what real friends are for :^)
    A.C.T.U.A.L.L.Y (as my grandgirls say....all drawn out) I don't think it looks all that bad...nothing a little paint couldn't fix!
    Have a good weekend, and blessings to you,
    J

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    1. Thank you so much...you are so sweet! I would love the Circut....it would make my life so much easier and I would always have perfect projects! :-) So that's a deal! I will paint over it and try again....it's pretty awful when you look at it up close and personal! :-)

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  12. Oh, Benita! You're cracking me up! I've lost count of the number of craft fails I've had. Your story is hilarious and I can definitely relate!

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    1. The problem is that I'm not improving...I'm regressing...LOL. And I have no idea how to fix regression! :-)

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  13. Now this reminds me of some of my early sewing projects! I have certainly had more fails than successes but by keeping at it they are getting better.
    Try it again if you learned from your mistakes and you'll be a stencil queen down the line :) Though the post won't be as funny! : )

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    1. I would think that as many times as I’ve tried, I would have improved by now…LOL. But no luck so far. I feel these stories will continue for a very long time! :-)

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  14. Thank you, thank you, thank you--I am so glad I'm not the only one!

    At least you weren't attempting to craft back in the 1960s. All my macrame pot holders were embarrassing compared to other girls. I should have gotten the message then!

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    1. I tried macramé….once. And left it alone. I’ve tried crocheting and left it alone. I could never move past a chain stitch…LOL. I won’t even attempt knitting. I try to stay away from Super Glue because I always glue myself to something. I did make a lopsided pot holder once with a friend’s weave set….my mother burned herself using it…LOL

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  15. Oh honey... bless your heart! (said in my best Southern drawl ;) ) I wish I could help you. Too bad we live so far away from each other, because I can paint, but I never do anymore. It might spur me on to pick up the brushes again :)

    xo

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    1. LOL…thank you for that! :-) I would love it if we lived closer…as you can see, I need ALL of the help I can get!! It is sad and pathetic, but hey, you saw my World Market hack, right? ;-) And you should definitely be painting! I wish I had the talent, but that one flew right on past and left me in the dust! HUGS!!!

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